A New Year: How to Support a Grieving Friend

Born in 1881, my husband’s great-grandfather, a college educated man who walked with a pronounced limp due to an improperly set broken bone in his childhood, was a self-made man who went from hiding out from debt collectors during the Great Depression to building a company and his significant wealth before his death in 1957. He lives large in family lore which emphasizes that he was guided by his personal motto: Keep Everlastingly At It.

His wife, who outlived her husband by 27 years, wrote in her personal memoirs, “Keep Everlastingly At It: That was all well and good, but I was the one left to do it.”

I think about her as we serve our patients. We are faithful and believe that our dying loved ones will, as the Prophet Isaiah envisioned, “soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” However, that belief does not negate the hole that is left behind in the hearts of those who remain. Family and friends are left to keep everlastingly at it.

A new year can make that achingly obvious. For those of us who want to support those grieving a loss, this raises the question: How we can help ease the burden? I asked our Volunteer Coordinator Beth Kean, a counselor with 26 years of experience in grief counseling, for her thoughts.

Based on her experience, Beth emphasized that active listening and follow-through are key to helping a grieving friend, allowing them to safely mourn in your presence. “When you are with someone who is mourning, you do not have to fix their grief. Grief and mourning are natural responses and unique to each person. Understand that grief is a journey and not a destination.”

• Don’t be afraid to call the dead loved one by name. “I’m sad in my heart for the death of (name the person)” or “(name of the person who died”) was such an inspiration and I am grateful for my experiences with him or her.”
• Tell your grieving friend that you will call soon, and then do it. Even if you are just calling to say, “I am checking in on you,” offer your concern and keep your promise.
• Rather than saying, “Call me if you need anything,” act. Bring a meal, a care package, cookies; look for how you can help and follow through with your actions.
• Write a personal note from time to time, sharing stories about the deceased loved one.
• For some people who are mourning, your prayers or a simple hug can be a solace.
• Companion your friend. Companioning a person who is mourning reassures him or her that you are not going away because of death. Offer your time: a meal, a coffee break, time to talk and to listen. Listening is truly a healing gift. Let your friend’s tears come, and be a witness to the reality of that sorrow.

As we enter 2022, let us “keep everlastingly at it” as we support our grieving friends and family, offering our care, friendship and loving presence.