Being Open and Honest When Talking to Children about Death
By Kristina Robertson, Executive Director / Co-Founder of Project 4031
I often say I have four children, three little physical bodies which have taken complete control of our house, and Project 4031 that has a mission I deeply believe in and work towards serving each day. I have poured my heart and soul into both my physical children and what I believe is my calling, believing deeply and passionately in all of them, and protecting them all with my mother’s heart. A part of that calling is changing how death is perceived in our world and naturally, change comes from the younger generation, our children.
In our home, my husband and I speak openly and honestly about all aspects of life, but on our children’s level and what is appropriate for them at the time. We do not shy away from the hard subjects. I am grateful for these conversations and after a discussion, I feel our children and our family unit is closer than it was before. Each one of these “seed talks” has a tremendous positive impact on each of us.
So, when it comes to the topic of death, we want to honor these important conversations that allow our children to work through their feelings and be comfortable to talk about whatever is on their minds when it comes to the topic of death. From the article Goodbye, Grandpa: An expert guide to talking to kids about death during COVID., significant steps to help parents and children guide themselves through the conversation of death are shared. This topic is in the forefront of our minds during this unbelievably difficult season of COVID-19. Still, I believe this conversation carries on past this pandemic and into what it means as a culture, community, family, and as individuals. Death is personal, it is raw, it is intimate, and it is a reality we all face. Why not honor death with respect, love, and grace and teach our children to do the same?
Below are steps from the article sighted above to help guide the conversation with children and parents when discussing death. I have taken these personally and incorporated them into my family life and conversations with my children.
1.
Assess age appropriateness.
Children between the ages of 4 and 7 believe that death is temporary and reversible. They are aware of the fact that their favorite cartoon characters can meet their doom and then come back the next day for another episode.
Even after you explain that “all living things die” and “death is the end of life,” it’s normal for young children to ask, “When can that person come back?”. Be prepared to remind them, kindly and calmly, that “once a body stops working, it can’t be fixed” and “once someone dies, that person can’t return.”
As children grow older into teenagers, they stop the “magical thinking” of death and question the meaning of death and how it relates to them. They often see themselves as invulnerable to death.
Be aware of the child’s age and relate the conversation to what is appropriate for them at their age.
2.
Prepare yourself.
When speaking about a loved one that has died, take a moment to assess yourself and your emotional state. Ask yourself these questions; Do you want another loved one with you when you talk to your child? What are the words I want to say? And be delicate in your words, should my child have a special lovey or toy to comfort them? It is always best to speak to your child before someone else does so they have your words in their mind. You are the expert for them, but in saying this, take the time to do it well and right for your family.
3.
Explain what happened.
Experts suggest to avoid euphemisms such as “they are in a better place” or “they went to sleep”. Always be kind, honest, and transparent when explaining what happened. Also, repeat your words a second time, tragedy can make it challenging to digest extremely difficult information.
4.
Give space for grief and the normal ups and downs when processing loss.
Grief is different for us all, and children are no exception. Be aware of their grief; it may come out all at once or little by little. Also, express how you feel to give children words and explanations of how they might be feeling.
5.
Answer questions.
Be open to answering any and all questions, and if you do not have the answer or the words, be open about this. For example, “I hear you in your frustration. It is hard for me to sometimes put into words how I am feeling but know even if we do not have the words, we are still here for each other.”
6.
Lastly, find ways to honor your loved one that is unique and special for your family.
These are just examples, but an essential thing I think we can do as parents and families are being authentic, open, and welcoming to the process. You will not regret the outcome. Through difficulties, we are certain to come out stronger and how special it will be to come out as a stronger and closer family unit. Remember that you are not alone, and if you need outside guidance, never hesitate to speak out and find the help you and your family need.
About Project 4031
Project 4031, named after the Bible verse Isaiah 40:31, fulfills end of life dreams no matter what age a patient is and offers financial assistance to help families with basic needs. As part of a global initiative, Project 4031 also provides gently used medical equipment to international hospice and palliative care facilities to better the end-of-life journeys for those around the world. For more information, visit project4031.org.
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