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15 November 2024

Children’s Grief Awareness Month

Every single one of us will experience grief in some form during our lifetime. The National Alliance for Children’s Grief estimates that nearly 6 million children in the U.S. will lose a parent or sibling by age 18. With Children’s Grief Awareness Day approaching during Children’s Grief Awareness Month, and as a child life specialist who’s spent the last 10 years supporting families experiencing or anticipating the loss of a loved one, I am reminded of how challenging this topic is for so many.

So what is grief anyway?

If you were to Google the definition of grief it would say something like “the emotional response to a significant loss”. Although at base line this is true, it’s almost offensive how simplified this definition is for something that anyone has experienced grief knows is much more complex. Over the years, I have seen the impact of grief on person after person and how complicated, unexpected and confusing it can be. Grief’s impact can vary widely depending on one’s relationship to the person that died, the nature of the loss, or unresolved feelings. For instance, when my own mother died, while we were all experiencing the death of our mother, each one of us has had a unique grief journey—and that is completely okay. Each person’s grief is distinct and personal and is neither wrong or right, it just is. As a child life specialist, so much of my time is spent guiding parents on how to best support their children through loss. Parents and caregivers often hesitate to address grief openly, fearing they might cause further distress. Yet, avoiding these discussions leaves children to come up with their own explanations, which are often inaccurate and sometimes self-blaming. For example, if a child and their parent were arguing before school and then the parent gets into a fatal car accident, the child may think that the argument is what caused the accident. It is our responsibility as the adults in a child’s life to help prevent situations like this, and the way we do that is by talking about it. These open discussions about grief can prevent confusion and isolation, validate their feelings, and teach coping skills they’ll carry into adulthood.

Children are incredibly perceptive but may not have the developmental ability to rationalize the why behind a loss. This is where a professional like a child life specialist can assist. Here are a few tips to help guide you through:

Be simple and honest.

Tell children the truth about death in a way they can understand, avoiding unnecessary details that might overwhelm them. Honesty means being transparent in a way that matches their age and developmental level. For younger children, you might say something like, “Grandma’s body stopped working, and she can’t come back.” Older children may need a bit more detail, but it’s still best to keep the language clear and straightforward. If you don’t know the answer to something, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know,” which shows them that it’s normal to have questions.

If necessary, elaborate on essential functions of your body that stop working after you die such as you no longer breath, eat, think or feel.

Avoid Euphemisms.

Avoid saying things like “went to sleep” or “passed away.” Use concrete language, like ‘death, dying and died,’ to prevent misunderstandings, especially for younger children.

Validate and Reassure

Listen and allow children to express their emotions freely. Being present and openly sharing your own feelings models healthy grieving behavior, showing children that it’s okay to feel sad, confused, or even angry. Provide reassurance to the child that the death was not their fault and that they are going to be taken care of.

Encourage Expression.

Recognize that talking about the death may bring out a variety of emotions including fear, resentment, or relief. I always say “presence over perfection.” Being present and creating opportunities to discuss the death or emotions surrounding the loss can be so impactful. Offering opportunities that encourage creativity like drawing, writing, or creating items based on a memory can be helpful ways to process feelings.

Consider Their Age.

A child’s development level can greatly impact your approach as well as their ability to understand. Children under 10 tend to ask a lot of questions, fixate on this information, and sometimes struggle with separation from their caregivers. Children over 10 will likely lean into their social support system and will often be concerned with how this loss will impact how their peers view them.

Let the Child Lead.

As parents and caregivers, we always want to protect our children from pain, but it’s so important to let the child lead their engagement. If you create opportunities to discuss and model your emotions you may fi nd over time a child will become more open and organically talk about their loved one. Using ended questions such as, “How are you feeling today?” vs “Are you sad?” can be really effective to support this. On the other hand if you try to force a conversation, children will most likely shut down and become resentful.
Seek Professional Help.

Sometimes your own grief can hinder your ability to support your child’s needs and that is completely normal and okay. Grief is tricky in the way it impacts people differently which can make it challenging to support each other. If you feel your child is struggling, always consult a professional (like myself) or a local grief support center like The WARM Place to help you determine what your child may need.

Without the opportunity to properly grieve and the ongoing support children need to process their loss, they may struggle with prolonged emotional issues, making it difficult for them to trust others, regulate emotions, and develop resilience. Unresolved grief can manifest in anxiety, depression, and even physical health issues, affecting their well-being far into adulthood.

By approaching this challenging topic with honesty, openness, and age-appropriate understanding, we can give them the support they need to process their feelings and ultimately heal. Grieving is a journey, not a quick fix, and it’s okay for both children and adults to feel a range of emotions along the way. By supporting children through grief, we’re not only helping them with a present difficulty but also giving them tools for resilience and emotional health that will last a lifetime.

Kelly Cox
Kelly Cox
Kelly Cox
Kelly Cox